The Year Eating Disorders Began


I grew up in an amazing household, surrounded by so much love and acceptance, yet I still spent over a decade filled with self-hatred towards my body. My only measure of any self worth came from the number I saw on the scale. I convinced myself that when I got to my desired weight I would stop, but there was always more to lose; no weight ever felt good enough, I was never good enough. While enlisted in the army I went to live on my own where my demons followed me, torturing me more than ever. Every boundary I set for myself, I broke. I starved myself, spent hours at the gym, and took every diet pill available. My thoughts were constantly consumed only by how I could lose more weight.  I would get on the scale multiple times a day in hopes that something would change. The scale became my best friend; it followed me everywhere, in the car, in the bath, in my bed. It was loyal and it never left me alone. The scale always made it seem like I was in control. I went out of my way to hide it, skipping social and family obligations. My obsession with my weight began to dictate my priorities. Everything revolved around food, every hour, every minute, every second. Eventually, it was all I cared about.